DIET QUESTIONS ANSWERED
Q:
I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your
heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of
your car
by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I
cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You
must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
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Q: Should I
reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at
all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I
calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you
have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't
think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't
fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING!!!.... Foods
are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
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Q: Will
sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely
not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be
doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is
chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming
good for your figure?
A: If swimming
is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting
in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round'
is a shape!
Well,
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid
in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
HOO
!
What a Ride"
AND ......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and
suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
