Thanksgiving Dinner Information
I know that you were eager to accept our family's
invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out
that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us.
However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her
control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace
our table this year. With that in mind, there will be
a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as
outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust
your appetite and dress appropriately. Thank you.
1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper
bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two
visits from the fire department, it was decided that,
no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch
sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
2) The entry space will not be decorated with swags of
Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, I've gotten our
daughter involved in decorating by having her track in
colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud
was her idea.
3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive
linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible,
we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a
fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from
using the paper Cinderella dinner plates, the leftover
Halloween napkins, and the Batman, Shrek, and Garfield
4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit
and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a
hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest
construction paper and macaroni. The artist assures me
it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a
5) We will be dining somewhat later than planned.
However, our daughter will entertain you while you
wait. I'm sure she will be happy to share every choice
comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving,
pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and,
especially, her husband. Please remember that most of
these comments were made at 6:30AM upon discovering
that said husband had only remembered to pull the
turkey from the freezer at 6:00AM, and that the thing
was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
6) As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of
these events, I will play a recording of Native
American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal
drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a
clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday
appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that
we don't own a recording of Native American tribal
drumming, ignore her. She's only eleven; what does she
7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce
the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our
traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm
8) There will be no formal seating arrangement. When
the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we
will ask all the children to sit at a separate table.
In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to
take this opportunity to remind our younger diners
that passing the rolls is neither a football play nor
an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.
9) The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know
you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in
America, but it won't be happening at our dinner
table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved
in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress
"private", meaning: Do not, under any
circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do
not send small, unsuspecting children, or older,
helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my
progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The
turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.
10) For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the
giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese
Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the
origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile
kindly and say that you know the answer, but it's a
secret that can't be revealed to them until they are
11) Instead of offering a choice among 12 different
scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream
and small fingerprints. You still have a choice: take
it or leave it.
That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I
apologize that Martha will not be joining us this
year. Come to think of it, she probably won't come
next year, either. And for that, I am indeed thankful.